Affective Dependence: Certain Loves Kill

Affective dependence: certain loves kill

They say that love is the engine of the world and that is why we all dream of having an idyllic relationship. But what is love really?


a storm or a beautiful sunny day?

Everywhere we see models of what a couple relationship should be, starting from which we make our idea of ​​love. These ideas, unfortunately, are not always healthy. In fact, mistaken beliefs can turn the couple into a dangerous drug, without which life seems to lose its meaning.

Love, without you I’m worth nothing

Babies are like sponges that absorb everything that happens around them. Thus, if the relationships at home have been stormy, an alternation of love and pain with episodes of abuse, indifference or manipulation, it is likely that the same dysfunctional patterns will repeat themselves or that new but equally dangerous ones will be created. This happens because we normally tend to look for what is familiar to us, because the models we grew up with leave a deep imprint on us.

Unfortunately, in many cases love is confused with addiction and relationships become toxic. This happens when self-esteem is low and you think you have to look for love outside of yourself and reach it despite everything, even at the cost of your dignity.

The romantic comedy vs the tragedy

As happens in films or theater shows, relationships in real life are reduced to two basic types, comedy and tragedy. But what is it that makes romantic comedy fun?


that special ingredient called a sense of humor that makes a relationship light and cheerful and entertains people involved.

In tragedies, however, the sense of humor is absent and the relationship is taken too seriously, it becomes heavy, dramatic and, even worse, it turns into an addiction.

There are various “warning signs” that reveal that a relationship is turning into an addiction, such as possessiveness, manipulation, disrespect, morbid jealousy, mortification, addiction, insecurity and mistreatment.

In fact, all of these signs have in common the fear of not being loved or accepted for who we are. For this reason, a role is played, of domination or submission, to try to control the other and thus secure the much desired “drug”: affection and attention.

The secret

There is a solution to turning our relationship into a fun and romantic comedy rather than a painful tragedy, and that is knowing that the source of love is within us, not outside. Once we have this certainty our own, we will understand that, regardless of the people who enter and leave our lives, we will be fine because we are able to find in ourselves the affection, attention, compassion and acceptance we need..

If, on the other hand, we make the other person the source of our self-esteem, the very idea of ​​losing it is devastating, so we are willing to do anything to receive that deceptive dose of affection, going beyond all limits. The attitude is the same as that of a person who has drug addiction problems.

In reality, there is no need to go crazy to get the “drug” of love from the other person, in fact this, paradoxically, would have the opposite effect.

It is enough just to know that we deserve to be loved as we are, it is enough to express it and demonstrate it constantly


A self-confident person radiates a truly irresistible charm. So, begin to love yourself, this will by extension attract the “ideal” person you are looking for.

Image courtesy of Romel.

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