When a couple decides to move in, various problems can arise. One of these concerns the difficulty in adapting to the schedules, habits, obsessions of the other. This process shapes a large part of the dynamics of coexistence in which partners try to reach compromises without losing their individual identity. If this does not happen, the so-called chamber of secrets appears, literally or metaphorically .
The chamber of secrets is a space where we gradually keep things that are part of us, of our habits, but that annoy or dislike our partner. This room can be filled with unimportant details that we don’t give too much weight to : the scent your partner doesn’t like, hobbies that take up too much space in the living room, or romantic streaks that bore him to death.
The situation becomes worrying when, with the passage of time, the chamber of secrets is not filled with suggestions, but with obligations. It is filled with threats, screams, habits that make us unbearable in the eyes of our partner and that we decide to change in order not to lose him, at the cost, however, of losing ourselves.
The chamber of secrets as psychological violence
One of the reasons why the chamber of secrets is filled is fear, fear of the psychological reaction of the other, fear of violence or mistreatment. Many people put aside their desires and identity as a price to pay for not being victims of physical or psychological abuse.
Their vulnerability increases and they fall into the partner’s trap. The partner, for his part, reinforces his behavior after observing the positive consequences for his interests.
If you are experiencing a similar situation, it means that you are secluded, that you are holed up in a corner of this room of secrets so as not to occupy the legitimate and personal space that you should have in the couple relationship. You step away from your personal freedom and stop making noise, claiming your ego because your partner speaks for you. Give up the right to express yourself, along with your strength and self-esteem.
Build a messy space made of what previously belonged to you and now depends on your partner. The fear of losing the other is consuming you because your life no longer belongs to you, you have nothing left. And this is how the room is filled with secrets, those things that you like, that you hide and that become the bars of your cage.
How to get out of the chamber of secrets?
In this room, indeed, in this prison, there are no blows or signs, which is why it is difficult to recognize it. You may think that everything you gave up or stopped doing was by your own will. The difference, however, is clear: if you are afraid of losing your partner or fear their reaction, then it is compulsion, not free choice.
We all have quirks, things we like that we don’t have to give up to please others. If these things do not compromise the freedom of the other, then they are not negative. So, in order not to lose your voice, your space and your identity in a relationship, don’t give up and don’t give up everything just to please your partner.
If you find yourself prisoners of the chamber of secrets, let them come out without fear. Those who love you accept you with your strengths and weaknesses or at least try to find an intermediate solution so that you are not the only one who gives in. If you lose your partner because you show yourself for who you are, it means it’s not worth it.
If fear prevents you from escaping the prison that the chamber of secrets has transformed into, ask for help from a professional. Friendships that seem distant because you’ve kept them hidden away in a corner or family you haven’t seen in a long time can help you stop living in terror. You can consult a specialist if you deem it necessary, the psychologist will help you understand that you are not alone and above all that you are not at fault.