Sometimes the world of the couple is somewhat complicated, as it is a social relationship in which two people love each other, but they don’t always agree on everything. Despite this, they have to live together and, in one way or another, they have to come to an agreement.
Arguing with your partner is not a strange situation nor is it a symptom of a crisis in the couple. There are couples who do not argue, but who have long since died, while others argue very frequently but, at the same time, are able to focus on other aspects that make them an extraordinarily healthy couple.
In the end, the discussions continue like a tennis match in which no productive conclusion is reached and in which neither opponent wins. The members of the couple put an end to the conversation because they are exhausted and they do so with a feeling of bitterness in their bodies, just like the cold that creeps between the bones on freezing winter days.
Why is living with your partner so difficult?
Among the stories of couples who do not have a happy ending, we can identify some coincidences. These characteristics, which often distinguish dead relationships, usually have to do with the ego or the pride of the two members. Because of pride, we often lose and we must therefore ask ourselves if it’s really worth it.
Very often we interpret the circumstances only from our point of view and we are convinced that others want to harm us. We act accordingly and, therefore, we try to avoid the situation and do not face it or we choose to attack those in front of us.
Deep within us lies the fear: the fear of not being accepted by the other, the fear of not being right, the fear of not being taken into consideration, the fear of not being important or special …
It is very difficult for us to reach an agreement that can benefit both parties involved. One of the reasons why we perceive this situation more difficult than it actually is is the fear of finding ourselves in a situation in which we are at a disadvantage, in which our pride is compromised. To get out of it, we then use anger to safeguard our personal integrity in the short term.
The problem, however, is that in the long run we lose the relationship and our partner. Arguments harm the couple and lead them to distrust, boredom and even to be afraid of each other or to fear the arguments that may arise.
It is as if we have a crumpled paper. When we want it to be as smooth as it was in the beginning, we realize it’s impossible. As much as we try to iron it, the small wrinkles that have appeared due to the pressure we have exerted will be seen forever.
How, then, do you have a healthy discussion?
Arguments are part of the life of a couple and it is never worth trying to escape from them. In fact, you can often grow as a couple thanks to discussions, but only if we know how to manage them and how to make the most of them.
Let’s look at some tips you can follow when it comes to dealing with a conflict situation.
Love first of all
You must never forget that you love the other person. Your partner has not become your enemy by magic, nor is he a person who wants to harm you. At least, that’s not usually the case, and if you think he wants to hurt you instead, end the relationship right away!
However, if this is a normal couple discussion, remember to keep your love, respectful words and affection. You can disagree with someone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use phrases like “honey, I don’t see it the same way” or “love, sometimes it bothers me that you don’t help me with the housework.”
Try to put on the other person’s shoes and think like him or her. It’s not about sympathizing with his way of seeing things, but simply understanding why he thinks that way. You need to understand that your partner has the right to think as they please, just like we do, and that they will have their reasons for seeing it a certain way. Understanding will help you open your mind.
Express your point of view
Very often we tend to judge others and start discussions with a “you”. How many times have you heard and said phrases like “you make me angry”, “you don’t worry about me” or “you are lazy”? You have to stop using the accusatory index finger and take responsibility for your emotions.
If you are not happy, it is your problem and it means that ideas pass through your mind that do not make you feel good. For this reason, the right way to argue is by using an “I feel” in sentences, such as, “I feel angry when I see you don’t pick up your clothes.”
The importance of non-verbal language
All these tips must be followed using the right non-verbal language as well. There is no point in saying “honey” in an ironic tone or using “I feel” while grinding your teeth. You have to convince the other, so the best thing is to try to stay relaxed because, contrary to what you thought, you are not facing any threats. And being relaxed means having an open posture, keeping eye contact and a calm tone of voice, etc.
Discussing in a healthy way is a matter of communicative intelligence, but also of self-control. If you add love to these ingredients, an argument will never turn into a war that will tear down the pillars of your relationship.