When a story ends, the separation process is often harsh and unpleasant. However, there are those who are able to rebuild their lives and move on, while others ruminate for months and years after a breakup, compromising the chances of finding a new love. What determines one or the other trend? A change of mentality.
After a love breakup, it’s normal to feel hurt, angry, betrayed, or scared of being alone. Sometimes you get obsessed with your ex and feel jealous of your new partner. Sometimes it even happens that you feel unsuitable, unattractive and unworthy of love.
All this, sad and pathetic as it may seem, is normal. In fact, studies show that breakups lead us to look at ourselves and others from a more negative perspective. In this way, the chances of starting a new relationship decrease and if we succeed, the chances that the new relationship are unhealthy increase.
Changing your mindset to deal with the breakup
A group of scientists from the University of Standford analyzed the effects of emotional breakups in relation to psychological malaise and one’s ability to adapt to situations.
After a breakup, most people try to make sense of what happened by wondering why it happened, who was to blame, what are the chances of falling in love again in the future. How we respond to such questions can help us deal with the situation or, conversely, make us even more vulnerable psychologically.
According to the researchers, we tend to view others as a source of information about ourselves. For this reason, being rejected by those who know us well is particularly devastating.
However, each of us has our own way of coping with growth and change. People who view their qualities and virtues as fixed and immovable, in other words closed-minded people, are more likely to attribute the breakdown to negative aspects of themselves. The excuses they give themselves only highlight their shortcomings.
On the other hand, those who consider the traits of their personality as changing and enjoy a proactive mentality, can justify a break in a more positive way. They are people who are able to see the end of a story as an opportunity for growth, in the hope that the next relationship will go better.
The results of various studies have shown that closed-minded individuals are more likely to attribute the breakdown to their own toxic personality and certain characteristics of their own that will continue to be a problem in future stories.
How to change mentality and overcome the breakup
To overcome a breakup in a healthy way, it is important to change your attitude and prepare your mind for growth. To make the change happen, you can do the following:
Honestly analyze the reasons for the breakup, but without taking more blame than you correspond to
Any problems that arise within any relationship are the responsibility of all members involved. In a couple, the same happens. Take your share of the blame, but run away from victimhood.
Doing more of your responsibilities than you are entitled to will not do you any good and will not solve anything, indeed. You will risk compromising your self-image, making it more difficult for you to engage in healthy relationships in the future.
Find out which flaws in your person are at the root of the problem
There are many personal factors that can lead a couple conflict to break up. Some are transient, while other times the problems are related to external issues. The important thing is to understand what went wrong and to what extent it can be corrected or avoided in the future. Circumstances are often not conducive to relationships.
Breaking up is a common experience
No matter how painful you may be, always remember that you are not the only one who has gone through the end of a relationship. You are not the first to be left behind or betrayed, nor the only ones forced to break up with your partner. As much as you are suffering, you too can overcome it, just like so many others before you.
Look for the positive aspects of this experience
After a breakup, you learn a lot, but don’t get carried away by the negatives alone. Your relationship has given you a lot of positive things – focus on these too. Thinking about the negative aspects may help you find the best solution, but if you don’t think about anything else, you will be pervaded by pessimism and fear, hindering your future relationships.
Hope is always there, regardless of the breakup. But it’s not about the hope of recovering the relationship, but about not giving in to such a bitter ending. Life is made up of cycles and love is one of them – anchoring yourself to a love that is now gone will only increase the feeling of suffocation in you. As Dory from Finding Nemo would say : swim and swim …