Why Do We Fall In Love With The Wrong People?

Almost all of us have fallen in love with the wrong person. However, when we accumulate an excess of painful, abusive or disappointing relationships, perhaps the problem is to be found in ourselves rather than in others.
Why do we fall in love with the wrong people?

Why do we fall in love with the wrong people? It is common to ask this question after a disappointment in love. Although it is true that in love one often gropes and mistakes and failures are frequent, there are those who have the distinct feeling of always ending up opening the doors of their heart to the less suitable person.

“I always attract narcissists”; “They always betray me”; “So far my relationships have not lasted more than a few months”. “I am sick of so many disappointments”. Behind these verbalizations and complaints, there is often an evident reality: we tend to blame others for stories that ended badly without looking at ourselves.

Perhaps the root of the problem lies in the person and in the dynamics we tolerate. When you start a relationship, you often forget the most important aspect: who you are, what you want. .. Basically, your identity.

Sad man for a disappointment in love.

Why we fall in love with the wrong people: possible reasons

For many people a pattern is repeated, almost like the figure of a ouroboros carrying a curse: falling in love with someone, being hurt and left; everything is repeated some time later with another person. Different faces, but the same stories, different names and the same result.

It is true that you cannot control who to fall in love with. Love simply arrives, sometimes in a blinding way, weaving that universe of attractions, passions and affections that no one can foresee or stop.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher points out that the human being was born to love and be loved ; even if it sometimes fails, this will be the impetus that gives the impetus for much of life.

However, why do we fall in love with the wrong people? The answer to this question is manifold, let’s analyze it together.

1. When love dilutes identity: you are everything and I don’t know who I am

Many men and women give their all in love and their relationship, going to unhealthy extremes.

They pour every fiber of their being into their loved one, make sacrifices and prioritize their partner in all circumstances until they are completely diluted.

A study from the University of Bern (Switzerland) states that this reality often appears in people with low self-esteem.

It is necessary to keep in mind that the quality of a relationship depends on the good self-concept and self-esteem of each partner. High self-esteem is synonymous with well-being and satisfaction in every area of ​​our life.

2. Fear of loneliness: when we fall in love with the first person who validates us

Why do we fall in love with the wrong people? Sometimes the answer is simple: for fear of being alone. In this context, what happens is little more than emotional suicide: we come to tolerate the intolerable just to have someone by our side.

And then there is another fact: those who fear loneliness are more receptive to falling in love. Anyone who notices and validates them is enough, even if they don’t share the same values.

3. We look for what we lack in others

Security, resolution, openness, extroversion, self-confidence… In couple bonds it is common to look for what we lack in the other.

However, what might seem logical and understandable at first rarely has a happy ending. Those who establish an emotional bond on the basis of excessive deficiencies will perceive their emptiness growing every day in the life of a couple.

4. When we forget the love we deserve

This is a very recurring reason that we often overlook. Sometimes, we develop emotional bonds by forgetting that we deserve so much more than we think we have.

Love is not tolerating, accepting teasing, accepting disqualification and that lack of reciprocity in which I give everything and you give me nothing.

One of the reasons we fall in love with the wrong people is that we forget that love is supposed to enrich us emotionally, not psychologically invalidate us.

Why do we fall in love with the wrong people and quarrels.

5. Why do we fall in love with the wrong people? The inability to learn from the past

Another dynamic we often see in people complaining about their failures in love is the tendency to repeat the patterns of the past.

Far from learning from previous unhappy and even traumatic relationships, there is a tendency to seek the same personality profile (narcissist, manipulator, etc.).

Why does this happen and what explains this way of perpetuating suffering and walking with closed eyes towards the same emotional abyss? In a sense, many of the dynamics described are integrated: lack of self-esteem, fear of loneliness, looking for what is lacking in others, etc.

A conglomerate of psychological stings that orchestrate captive bonds from which one is unable to escape for a long time.

Why do we fall in love with the wrong people? Conclusions

We all have unhappy relationships behind us that we would like to forget. However, as we mature and move through our life cycle, we should be clear about what we want and what we expect from love.

There is also an unwritten law that we should all remember: it is impossible to love someone if you do not love yourself first.

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